Have you ever wished the rain would stop?
You might stand by the window, feeling sad or frustrated. But the rain keeps falling. That’s because the weather is out of our control.
Many parts of our lives are like the rain. We have thoughts and feelings about things we can’t change. Our mind is weary when we are thinking of these. It can feel like carrying a heavy backpack all day.
At Therapy With Rose, I see many who feel this way. Many clients are what I call over-thinkers and over-feelers. Their minds and hearts work extra hard.
If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel deeply. But also, very important to learn what we can hold onto and what we need to let go of.
What Is Outside Our Control?
One of the most common questions I hear is what causes overthinking. In many instances, it begins with our obsession with things that are beyond our control.
It can help to make a list. Seeing it written down can bring clarity.
Here are some things that are out of our control:
- What others think: We can’t change someone’s mind*
- The past: Yesterday is gone; we can’t go back
- The future: We don’t know what will happen tomorrow
- How others act: We can be nice, but we cannot get others to be nice
- Traffic or the weather: These things just happen
Many clients tell me, “I keep thinking about things that are out of my control, even though I know I can’t change them.”
Focusing on these can make us feel stuck. This leads to anxiety circles, where we worry repeatedly. Anxiety can feel like a loud noise in your head. It can also cause depression, which is like covering oneself with a heavy blanket and being be to move.
Different Brains and Control
Some people’s brains work in unique ways. This is called neurodivergence, which includes ADHD or Autism.
If you are neurodivergent, your brain might focus deeply on one thing. This is called hyperfocus. Sometimes, that focus lands on things outside your control.
For example, when there is a sudden shift in plans, it may be painful or frightening. An individual may take hours contemplating why the plan went badly or what they could have done better. It might be intimidating as they were not able to prevent the change.
In these moments, learning how to let go of control and shift focus to what is manageable can be very helpful.
At Therapy With Rose, I love working with people who have different types of brains. There is nothing wrong with different thinking; it is only a different way of being.
During therapy, I pay attention to supporting your individual brain so that it is safe, even when you are letting go of control.
Why Does Focusing on Control Make Us Feel Bad?
Worrying about things we can’t change drains our energy. It’s like leaving a flashlight on all night; by morning, the battery is empty.
Focusing on things outside our control can lead to:
- Overthinking: Your mind feels like a racecar that won’t stop, replaying the same problem.
- Over-Feeling: You might feel very sad or angry about small things. This is exhausting.
- Low Self-Esteem: You might feel not good enough because you can’t “fix” everything.
- People-Pleasing: You might try to make everyone else happy so you feel in control. But you can’t control whether someone else is happy.
How to Find Your Way Back
So, what can we do?
We focus on what is within our control. This is often called the Circle of Control.
Inside your circle are things like:
- Your words
- Your actions
- How you treat yourself
- When you ask for help
- Your boundaries (saying “no” when you need to)
Setting boundaries is a powerful part of healing. It means knowing where you end and where someone else begins. It means protecting your energy.
I often use mindfulness-based approaches to assist with this. Mindfulness means to be here and now. It may be the sense of breathing or the sense of feet touching the floor. When you focus on the present, less space to worry about “what if” or “what was.”
How Therapy With Rose Can Help
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT 126181). I create a safe space for open talk and support, helping with anxiety, depression, and overthinking.
In my sessions, I explore patterns in your life. I help identify the “knots” in your thinking and support you in untangling them at your pace.
At Therapy With Rose, I can help with:
- Understanding Emotions: Learning that feelings are like waves. They come and go
- Building Confidence: Helping you see how valuable you are as you are
- Managing Stress: Finding tools to help your body feel calm
- Relationship Help: Learning how to talk to others and listen to yourself
- Self-Care: Finding ways to be kind to yourself each day
I provide both in-person and telehealth options.
Taking the First Step
Asking for help is not a weakness; it’s a brave step. Don’t carry your heavy load alone.
If you feel stuck in overthinking or having big feelings, therapy can get you back on your feet. I pay attention to your circle of influence and control and help you learn how to reconcile with the rest.
You deserve calm and respect. At Therapy With Rose, I’m here to help you grow and heal. Let’s understand the psychological influences on your thoughts, emotions and actions. Reach out to me.
FAQs
Why do I think too much about things I can’t control?
Thinking too much often comes from wanting to feel safe or certain. Your mind might believe that worrying can help avoid bad results.
No. Letting go of control doesn’t mean you stop caring. It expresses that you remove yourself from responsibility for matters that don’t involve you. You may be loving and at the same time, save your energy.
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